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OUR WIVES 



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THE AMA70NS ^^^^^ ^" Three Acts. Seven males, ve ^einaies. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, not diffi<^iilt Plays 
a full evening. 

THE CABINET MINISTER ^arce in Four Acts. Tenn>aie. .iiine 

females. Costumes, modeni so^^.iety ? 
Bcenety, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

DANDY DICK ^*''*'® ^° Three Acts. Seven males, four lemaies. 
Costumes, modem ; scenery, two interiorSo PHyt 
two hours and a half< 

THE GAY LORD OCEX ^o™®^y ^° 'Pomt Acts. Four male.** ten 
^ females. Costumes, modern ; sce»flrv. 

two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

HIS HODSF IN ORDER C<^°i3<^7i^F<^^^^<'^B- Nine males, fol 
^^ females. Costumes, modern ; sceneiv? 
three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE HORRY HORSE ^<'™®*^y "^ Three Acts, Ten males, five 
females. Costumes, modem ; scenery easy 
Plays two hours and a half. 

IRIS I^i^AiuA ^ ^i'^^ -^^^9° Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
modem ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

I ADY ROHNTIFTII ^^^^ ^° Four Acts. Eight males, seven fe- 
males. Costumes, moderu ; scenery, four in- 
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Our Wives 



A Farce in Three Acts 



By 
ANTHONY E. WILLS 

Author of ''All Charley s Faulty' ''A Regiment 

of Two I' ''Liberty Corner si' "Fighting for 

Freedom,'* etc. 



BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1910 



<i 



^1 



Our Wives ' ^ 



CHARACTERS 

RoswELL Chandler, a retired merchant. (Old Man.) 

Walter Blair, his son-in-law. (Comedy Lead.) 

Oscar Siebel, a composer. (Geraian.) 

Lloyd Deveaux, a chronic invalid. (Character Old Man.) 

John Stanton, a detective. (Comedy.) 

Mallory, a reporter. (Comedy.) 

Ford, an expressman. (Utility.) 

Gilda Deveaux, wife of Deveaux. (Lead.) 

Mrs. Chandler, ivife of Ro swell. (Old Lady.) 

Beattie Blair, ivife of Walter. (Straight. ) 

Julia, a French maid. (French.) 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Room in the Sea Breeze Hotel, Atlantic City. 
Morning. 

Act IL — Home of Gilda Deveaux in New York City. 
Noon. 

Act IIL — The same. Night. 



NOTE 

The same setting may be used for all three acts and the 
necessary change from Act I to Act II effected by placing a set 
mantle and fireplace in front of the bay window ; hanging 
pictures on wall and using different furniture. 




Copyright, 1910, by Walter H. Baker & Co, 
©GID 21G27 



Our Wives 



ACT I 

SCENE. — A room in the Sea Breeze Hotel, Atlantic City. 
Morning. \ Doors r. i, c. and l. 3. Bay window l. i, with 
portieres, apparently leading to a balcony overlooking the 
sea. Portieres noiu open. Lady' s desk and chair against 
wall, R. Two large trufiks, contaitiing various colored 
dresses, L. c. and r. c. of stage. Small tables directly in 
back of each trunk. Chairs, small tables with statuary ^ 
bric-a-brac, pictures, etc., distributed about to dress stage. 
Large ?nirror oti wall, r. Carpet down. 

'At rise, Julia, a pert French maid, wearing cap and aproHy 
discovered packing trunk, L. c, and humming air the 
while. ^ 

Jul. Oh, I must hurry or madame will be late for ze train. 
{Picks up skirt and holds t/p.) Zis is very pretty. Madame 
is lucky to have so many beautiful gowns. 

Enter Gilda Deveaux, door at back, wearing a neat travel- 
ing dress. 

Gil. I'm so glad to find you packing, Julia. I never yet 
have learned the art of doing that properly. 

Jul. I will be finished directly. {Looks up.') Has ma- 
dame breakfasted ? 

Gil. {crossing to mirror and looking at self). Yes — but I 
really had no appetite. 

Jul. {sympathetically'). Ah, madame hasn't recovered from 
ze excitement of last night. 

Gil. That's it. A first performance always upsets me so. 
{Looks closely in mirror.) I do declare I've a wrinkle on my 
brow! {Turns to Jul. Anxiously.) Tell me, dear, — how 
do you think it went ? 

Jul. Very well, madame. {Enthusiastically.) It was all 
very grand — (with outstretched arms) and when you sang 



4 OUR WIVES 

Gil. {interrupting her). Never mind ;;/y singing. Do you 
think it will be a success ? 

Jul. {proudly). Ah, madame, how could it be otherwise 
with you in ze 

Gil. {irritated; stampiiig foot). You always see things 
with prejudiced eyes. Never mind me, Julia. Now, just im- 
agine I were out of the cast. 

Jul. Ah, madame, I could never imagine that. 

Gil. {provoked). Oh, it's no use. You never seem able 

to give a candid (Jul., touched by Gil.'s action, is about 

to cry. Gil., observing her, changes tone and manner.) Well, 

to — to {Places arms about her shoulders.) There, 

there, dear — forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. 

Only I — well, I'm so anxious to know the truth alDOUt the 

{An electric bell rings off. Her attention arrested.) Hello. 
Who can that be ? Goodness ! no visitors, I hope. We haven't 
a minute to waste in getting our things in shape. 

Jul. {drying eyes on elbow). I'll see who it is. 

Gil. But first, Julia, you must promise to forgive my 

Jul. Really, madame, there is nothing to forgive. It was 
silly of me to take on so. 

Gil. {patting her on shoulder). That's more like yourself 
again. There's a dear. (Jul., sfniling back at her, exits door 
at back. Gil. goes to mirror and surveys herself.) I do be- 
lieve the excitement of last night has aged me ten years. Oh, 
why, oh, why didn't I heed hubby's advice and leave well 
enough alone? I'll be the laughing stock of the metropolis if the 
thing's a failure. 

Enter Oscar Siebel, an eccentric German cotfiposer, with 
long bushy yellow hair, red nose and wearing a red bow- 
tie^ tight-fitting trousers, coat with a flounce aroimd the 
bottom and a si?iall felt hat perched on his head. 

Oscar {passionately). Ah, mademoiselle, it does me honor 
to see and congratulation you. 

{Attempts to press her hand to his lips.) 

Gil. {drawing hand away). Really, Herr Siebel, you are 

very provoking. Must I again remind you that I am married ? 

Oscar. Ach, yes. Dot is so. I always fergit it. Und 



OUR WIVES 5 

you can't blame me when I have always lofed der very ground 
you walk on. 

Gil. {irritated). Please don't start that again so early in 
the morning. 

Oscar. I can't help it. If only you had said der one word 
dot time. One little word. {Sighs.') By golly, when I dink 
what I am — und what I might hev been — it makes me seasick 
in der head. 

Gil. The question now is — what is the verdict ? 

Oscar. Verdict ? Von what ? 

Gil. {surprised). Gracious ! and you are the composer ! 

Oscar. Ach, by jiminy ! You mean my opera? {^Claps 
hand to head.) By golly, lofe is an awful ding. I nearly fer- 
git it — I am der comboser. 

Gil. What did the audience think of the production? 

Oscar {sadly). Oh, say — I'm ashamed to tell you. 

Gil. You don't mean ? 

Oscar. Von der looks of dings — we got a large-sized failure 
on our hands. We are lucky if der audience don't lynch us 
ven we play it in New York to-night. 

Gil. {wri?iging hands). Can it be as bad as that ? 

Oscar. Even worse ! Der limit ! Dere's only one ding 
can maybe save it. 

Gil. And that ? 
F Oscar. Your solo in der last act. {Draws manuscript 
from pocket and hurriedly turns to a page.) Ach, yes — und 
another ding. {Finds place.) Wen you bow to der duke — 
don't do it dis way. It 'tain't right. You must put more 
high-toned society business in it. Shust watch me. {Makes 

a boiv.) So — dot's how you did it. Now, dis is der way 

{Crosses legs and attempts to make a very low bow, finally 
losing balance afid spraivling on floor. Gil., quickly at his 
side, helps him to feet.) Veil, not shust exactly dot way 
— but someding like it. Dot's shust der idea. 

Gil. And what of that horrid duet in the first act ? 

Oscar. Where? {Glances throiigh manuscript.) 

Gil. Why, immediately after the entrance of the villagers. 
, Oscar {hurriedly turning pages). Shust a minute, I find 
him. {Locates place.) Ach, yes. Here iss it. You mean — 
{the?i runfiing several bars of operatic selection ifi a cracked 
voice) ta-ta, tee-tee, tum-tum — ta-ta — tra-la-la — tra-la-la-i-o ! 
{Looks up.) Iss dot him ? 

Gil. Isn't it awful? 



b OUR WIVES 

Oscar. Veil, it tastes kind of sour. Hereafter we cut him 
out. {Tears sheet frotn matiuscript.') So! I dink, by der 
changes we have made, we got a chance to pull through. 

Gil. {going to window ; discottsolately). Yes — one chance 
in a thousand. 

Oscar. Ach, be hopeful ! Ain't it better den none at all? 
{Confidentially.^ Only don't say it to my backers — if you see 
dem. Make dem believe it is a great success. You verstand ? 
I need der money. 

Gil. {suddenly looking off through ivindoiv). Hello — as I 
live, it's that horrid man again ! {Calls aloud.) Julia ! Julia ! 

Oscar {puzzled; business). Vattissit? Vat iss it ? 

Gil. {partly behind portieres and draiving Oscar beside 
her ; in deep tones). Do you see that rowboat out there? 

Oscar {looking off ; imitates her tofie). Y-e-s ! Where is 
it? 

Gil. {stamping foot). Don't you see 

{Has apparently stepped on Oscar's foot.) 

Oscar {jumping up and down with pain). Und can't you 
see? I've got corns like mountains. By golly, I bet you 
weigh five hundred pounds. 

Gil. {pointing off). There it is— about two hundred feet 
away. 

Oscar {looking off). Ach, ches— now I spot him. 

Gil. He's been out in that boat watching this window ever 
since our arrival here three days ago. 

Oscar. You don't say so? Where hev I seen dot face 
before ? 

Enter Jul., hurriedly, door at back. 

Jul. Did you call me, madame ? 

Gil. Quick, Julia, look there ! {Points out of window.) 

(Jul. cautiously looks off^then gives a shriek.) 

Oscar {business). I wonder if she seen der same thing I 
seen ? ° 

Jul. {excitedly). 'Mon dieu ! it is ze same gentleman who 
came down on our train from New York. 

Oscar {looking off ; suddenly). By golly— now I recom- 
member ! It iss der feller what occupied Box A at der theatre 
last night. 



OUR WIVES 7 

Gil. {liramatically draiving portieres together ; with flash- 
mg eyes). Who can it be, I wonder? 

Oscar [taking long steps to v^. of stage ; alarmed'). Blease, 
madam, don't look at me dot way. I ain't der reason fer it — 
believe me. {A bell rings off .) 

Jul. I'll see who it is. 

Gil. Thank goodness we return to New York this morn- 
ing. If this person continues to annoy me, I'll report him to 
my husband. 

Oscar {tjuietly'). Better not your husband. 

Gil. {turning on hivi). And why not? 

Oscar (busifiess). Ouch now — don't git excited. I only 
had an idea. Didn't you say he was awful jealous von you ? 

Gil. (wildly). You don't mean to imply that my husband 
may have set some one to watch me ? 

Oscar. Say — maybe it is better hereafter I keep my mouth 
shut. I always put my foot in it. 

Gil. {paci?ig floor). Yes, yes, that's the explanation. It's 
my husband's doings. I'm being watched ! Watched ! 
(^Quickly to door l. 3 ; /^ Oscar.) Here — quick, in this room. 
Whoever this may be — you must not be seen. 

Oscar {iiervously). Yes, sir — {then cotifusedly) I mean, 
no, mam. {Off i.. 3.) 

Gil. {quickly down to trunk and busies herself packing). 
Why didn't I think of it before? It's a detective ! Oh, what 
— oh, what am I to do? 

Enter Jul., hurriedly ^ door c. 

Jul. Please, madame. Messieurs Chandler and Blair ! They 
would insist on coming here. 

Enter Walter Blair, a smooth- shaven young man, about 
twenty-five^ 7ieatly clothed, and wearing a straw hat with 
a fancy ribbon ; followed by Roswell Chandler, aged 
about sixty, gray haired, short statured ajid wearing a 
silk hat, frock coat, spats, etc. 

Gil. {surprised). Why, good-morning, gentlemen. 

Blair \ {breathlessly). Good-morning. {To Jul.) Leave 

Chan. ) us alone. 

Chan. Close the door ! 

Blair. Let no one know we're here. 



8 OUR WIVES 

(Blair and Chan, sink on trimlzs and remove hats, 
place same on small tables behind trunks. Jul. gingerly 
exits door at back. ) 

Gil. {puzzled). Has anything gone wrong ? 
Chan, f ^^^ anything gone right ? 

Blair. Everything's wrong. {To Chan.) Tell her, old 
man. 

Chan, {sadly). No — you. 
Gil. I suppose it's the opera. 
Blair. Confound it, no — it's my wife. 
Chan, {sadly). Not forgetting — mine. 
Gil. {surprised^. Your wives? 

Chan \ ^^^S^^^^^S ^f^^ sadly repeating). Our wives. 

Gil. I don't understand. 

Chan. I wish /didn't. 

Blair {recovering somewhat^. You see — it's this wa}. 
You mayn't be aware of it, but this is the first theatrical ven- 
ture we've ever financed. 

Chan. And it's the last for me. 

Blair. I met this fellow Siebel at the club ; grew enthusi- 
astic over the proposition of backing his comic opera, <'The 
Fleur-de-lis," and up to date it's cost me ten thousand. 

Chan, {sorrowfully). Me too. 

Blair. But that isn't where the shoe pinches. I've kept it 
from my wife. 

Chan, {sadly), /didn't dare tell mine. 

Blair. We kept it from our wives, intending to break the 
news after the thing proved a success. 

Chan, {meekly). It all looked so nice on paper. 

Blair. But after the miserable failure of last night 

Gil. Then you don't think it was a success? 

Chan. Success? {Holds hands above head in horror.) 
Good heaven ! It was awful ! 

Blair. You see— it isn't what we think— the audience had 
something to say about it. But to come to the principal 

Chan, {dolefully). The tragic part of the story. 

Blair. We were led to believe that two thousand dollars 
would launch the thing. But alas, it has required ten times 
that sum. And once in, we couldn't get out without losing 
that which we had already invested. 



OUR WIVES 9 

Chan. So we kept on digging — digging — digging ! 

Blair, Until I've drawn every dollar I had in the 
bank. 

Chan. While /even mortgaged the furniture. 

Blair. When the crash comes 

Chan, {trembling). When it comes 



Blair. and our wives learn the truth 



Chan, (shaking head). Well, it's going to beat any storm 
that ever struck this town ! 

Gil. I'm so sorry. Isn't there a way of 

Blair. Keeping the truth from them? {Sadly shakes 
head.) No — I'm afraid not. 

Chan. Our wives had the pleasure — if such it could be 
called — of witnessing the performance last night. 

Gil. Ah, the ladies in the box with you were 

P V {sadly). Our wives ! 

Gil. Whatever are you going to do ? 

Blair. Well, if the worst comes to the worst, I'm prepared 
for it. {Takes long letter from pocket.) 

Chan, {folloiving his example ; disconsolately). So am I. 

Gil. {puzzled). What do you mean? 

Blair. I've written a farewell note to Beattie, and now all 
that remains is — {dramatically) one plunge in the dark blue 
sea 

Chan, {imitating him ; shivering). ''In the dark blue 
sea " 

Blair. And all is over. 

Chan, {shuddering; imitating him). "All is over." 

Gil. You silly things. You mustn't do that. Where 
there's life — there's hope. 

■p. ' K {exchanging glances). There's hope? 

Gil. Yes. Herr Siebel has made a number of changes in 
the score since last night, and eliminated the dull parts. What 
wouldn't go in Atlantic City may make a big hit in New York. 
{Pats them on back.) So be of good cheer. {Takes letters 
from each.) All isn't lost yet. 

Chan. ) {on either side, attempting to embrace her). You're a 

Blair j dear. 

Gil. {laughingly holding thefn off). Remember you're mar- 
ried. 

Chan, {sadly). I can^t forget that. 



10 OUR WIVES 

Gil. (^placing letters on small tables). So you'll have no 
further need of these horrid things — you must put the thought 
of suicide far out of your mind. 

Enter Jul., c, with letter, 

Chan. What do you suggest ? 

Gil. Just a moment. {^To Jul.) For me, Julia? 

Jul. Yes, madame — a messenger just left it. 

\^Exit, door at back. 
Gil. {taking note and reading ; then starts) . Good gracious ! 

Blair \ i^^^^^^^^^)- What is it ? 
Gil. Your wives are coming here ! 
Blair [ ^^^^^^^^^S ^^ trunks). Our wives ! 

Gil. Yes. {Looks at note.) It appears that yours 

{refers to Blair) is one of my old schoolmates. 

Blair {quickly). By Jove — that's so. She recognized you 
from the box last night. 

Chan. And said something about paying you a call. 

Gil. {looking aroutid). It wouldn't do for you to be found 
here. 

Chan. Well, I should say not. {Starts toward door c.) 
I'm off! 

Mallory {heard without). Never mind, little one — I'll 
take a chance. 

Gil. {catching Chan, by arm). Wait ! It's that reporter 
again ! 

Blair \{^^^^ii^S)' A reporter? Great heaven 1 
Blair {wildly). Now we are in for it. 

Chan, {running about ; whi?iing). I told you we'd get into 
trouble. 

Blair {angrily). Oh, that's all you did do. Let's hide 
somewhere ! 

Chan, {to Gil., pleadingly). Please don't tell him where 
we are ! 

Blair. Or 7vho we are ! {Espies portieres.) Ah, those 
curtains ! The very 

{Quickly over to portieres and about to draw them open.) 

Gil. {firmly). Stop! (^\.km abruptly halts.) I've area 
son for not wanting those portieres drawn aside. 



OUR WIVES II 

Blair. Yes, but what am I to do ? 

Chan. Don't always think of yourself. Give me a thought. 

Blair (espying door, r.). Ah — that room over there ! 

{Makes a dash for it.') 

Chan. {sa?ne tifiie). And this one here ! 

{Refers to l. Makes a dash for it.) 

Enter Mallory, a clean-cut^ sportily-clothed, young reporter f 
door c. , wearifig a golf cap. 

Gil. Too late ! 

(Blair and Chan, just about to exit, stop iii confusion.) 

Mal. {observing the7n, halts at door). Pardon me, but 



Gil. {indignant). What do you mean by forcing yourself 
into my apartments this way ? 

Mal. {confusedly stuffing golf cap in coat pocket). Well, 
I just dropped in to get that story about the diamond necklace 
you promised me for our next Sunday's issue. {Looks from 
Chan, to Blair.) But I didn't expect you'd have company. 

Blair {business). I'm not company, sir — {stammering) 

I'm — I'm {Aside; despairingly.) For goodness* sake 

— what am I ? 

Chan, {clearing throat ; to M.k\..). He's the lady's brother. 

Mal. {surprised). 0-h. Her brother, eh ? (T'^? Chan.) 
And you, sir ? 

(Chan, business.) 

Blair {having recovered composure). Him ? Why, he's — 
{business) he's her father. 

Chan, {groaning). Oh, lor' ! {Aside.) If my wife heard 
that ! 

Mal. I'm sure I'm very glad to know both you gentlemen. 

Chan' i '^^^^'^ ^ right — don't mention it. 

(Mal. draws note-book from pocket and begitts to write 
therein.) 

Blair {watching him). But you needn't publish our meet- 
ing in your confounded paper. 

Chan, {business), I should hope not. 



12 OUR WIVES 

Enter Oscar, hurriedly, from L. 3, ^vith outstretched hands, 

leaving hat iti r 00171. 

Oscar. Ah, my dear Mallory. ( Warinly shakes his hand.) 
I thought I heard your voice. Many thanks for your nice 
write-up. 

Mal. Don't say a word. 

Oscar, {for the first time observing Chan, and Blair). 
Ach !— und if it ain't my dear friends! {Warinly offers 
hands to Chan, and Blair.) I'm so glad you dropped in. 

Chan, {dolefully, aside, as he shakes his hand). Would 1 
could drop out again. 

Mal. {to Oscar, preparing to write). There was only one 
thing, Herr Siebel. You neglected to inform me who i§ pre- 
senting your opera. Is it a metropolitan firm ? 

Oscar. Vy, no ! {Refers to Chan, and Blair.) Dese 
gentlemens ! 

(Blair and Chan, start and tug vigorously at his coat.) 

Mal. {writing). Ah — Miss Deveaux's father and brother. 

Oscar. Fodder und nodding {About to divulge their 

names.) Messrs. 

(Blair kicks Oscar in shin. Oscar lets out a cry and hops 

up and down i?i agony.) 

Blair {coolly). Messrs. Brown 



Chan, {with sweeping bow, adding). Jones 

Gil. {now l.). and Co. It's a company, you know. 

Oscar {feeling of shin). By golly — den I must be der 
Co. {To Mal., taking him by arm a fid leading him down r.) 
You see I am only der comboser — der musiker of der ding. 

Mal. {winking at him signifcantly). And naturally don't 
bother with the details, eh ? 

Oscar. Dot's it exactly. You hit der top on der nail right 
away. {Then aside.) I wonder what iss it he means by dot? 
{Imitates Mal.'s winking.) I find it oudt right away. 

{Engages Mal. in afiimated co?iversation.) 

Enter Jul. , door c. , with tray bearing two cards. 

Gil. (/^ Jul.). What now, Julia ? 

Chan, {nervously, to Blair). Now is our opportunity. 
Let's get away 1 



OUR WIVES 13 

Blair. Let's ! 

(^Both take long strides toivard door C.) 

Gil. (^glancing at cards ; starts). Your wives ! 

Chan. \^^^^^t^^iS)- Wow! 

Gil. (/^ Jul., excitedly). Don't show them up, Julia 

Chan, (whining). Or they'll sJww us up. 
Jul. {nervously). Please, raadame, I have already done 
so — they will be here directly. 

Chan [ i^^^^^^^^S '^^Hdly about). AVhat shall we do ? 

Mal ) 

Oscar f (f^^^*' ^i^^f^iion drawn). What has happened? 

Blair {despairingly). That's just it— it hasn't happened 
yet. 

Chan. It's only on the way. 

Gil. {opening door l. 3). Here— quick — into this room. 

Chan [ '^^''^^^^^ — thanks. \Exeiint, confusedly y l. 3. 

Gil. {to Oscar and Mal.). And now I must beg of you 
gentlemen to hold a quiet tongue. 

Oscar {taking long strides toward door c). I dink it is 
better I git oudt of dis. 

Gil. {catching Oscar by arm). Do you promise? 

Mal. On condition I get that diamond story. 

Gil. Yes, yes, anything — only 

Jul. {at door c. , finger to lips). S-h , madame, they are here. 

Enter, door c, Mrs. Nina Chandler, a middle-aged woinan^ 
and Beattie Blair, about tiventy-three, both stylishly 
gowned. 

Beattie {espying Gil.). Gilda ! ( Throws arms about her.) 

Gil. {jvarmly). Beattie ! 

Beattie {looking Gil. over). I recognized you at once. 
{Presents Mrs. C.) My mother. 

Gil. {warmly shaking Mrs. C.'s hand). I'm so glad to 
know you. 

Mrs. C. My daughter has so often spoken of you. 

Gil. {glancing nervously toward door l.). Is that so ? 

Beattie. Oh, it was about our good old school days^ 
don't you remember? 

Gil. I shall never forget them — the best days of all. 



14 OUR WIVES 

t 

* 

Beattie. And to think that we should lose track of each 
other for all these years and then to meet again this way. Isn't 
it glorious ? {Then for the first time espies Mal. and Oscar.) 
Oh, I wasn't aware you had 

Oscar. Dot's all right. Go right ahead, ladies. Don't 
mind us. 

Gil. {presenting Oscar). Allow me to introduce Herr 
Siebel, our composer. 

Oscar {boiving low). Ladies — it give me much bleasure. 

Beattie {admiringly looking at him). A real, live com- 
poser, eh? 

Oscar {business, looking himself over). Well, I like dot. 
I always thought I was alive. 

Gil. {ifitroducing Mal.). And Mr. Mallory, reporter on 
the Sea Breeze Times. 

Mrs C ) 

Beattie. | ^^^ig^^ted to meet you, I'm sure. 

Mrs. C. {to Mal.). But you mustn't mention you met us 
here. Our husbands, you know 

Beattie {laughingly). aren't supposed to know a 

solitary word about it. 

Mal. {winking at Oscar). I see 

Oscar {zvinking back at him). said the blind man. 

. Beattie {to Gil.). Oh, but tell me, Gilda— how, did you 
come to change your name from Rowe to Deveaux ? 

Gil. The minister changed that. I'm married, dear 

Mrs. C. {to Beattie). See— I told you so. 

Beattie. I thought it only your stage name. You know. 
1 m married too. 

ReaU^'l'^'^'''^''^^'''"^ ^^o/^r^ door, l. ; then as if surprised). 

Beattie. Going on to three years now. 
Oscar. Yes, und we got to be going too. 
Mrs. C. Beattie got one of the best husbands ! 
Beattie. So honest — so true ' 

MA^lT'cSt^'"'"'"''^' Dot's enough for me. {To 
Mal. Guess I will make a break. {To ladies ^ Ladies 

permit us to bid you a good-morning ^^ ' 

Beattie {having discovered Blair's straw hat on tabled 

MRTr"'y'"' ^^f'''^' -^^^^^^O Walter's hatT* 

Mrs C {discovering Chan.'s hat on other table • i>icks it 

up). And your father's ! {All business.) '"^ ''''^' ' ^'"'' '^ 



OUR WIVES 



15 



Gil. {finally nervously taking c). Pardon me — (takes hats 
from theni) but they belong to these two gentlemen. 

(^Offers Oscar silk hat and Mal. straw one.) 

Beatme } iP'"'^^'"^)- But I 

(Gil. winks at Mal. a7id Oscar.) 

Oscar ')(tinderstafiding; emphatically'). Yes — to us! 
Mal. j ( With sweeping bows.) Ladies — good-morning. 

{Place hats on heads, lock arms and pompously exeunt 
door c.) 

Beattie (staggered). , Did I ever ? 

Mrs. C. I could have sworn that was my husband's hat. 
(Gil., 7p to door at back, looks off an instant ; Mrs. C. 
glances back at her; theii down r. ; ^j-/^<f /^ Beattie ; em- 
phatically.) It was Roswell's hat. Now I know why your 
father came to Atlantic City. 

Beattie (brokenly). And don't you recollect, — Walter 
didn't want us to accompany him here at all ? 

Mrs. C. All their mysterious goings-on of the past three 
days are now quite clear to me. But if that was your father's 
hat 

Beattie (quickly). And the other, Walter's 

Mrs. C. (cautiously). They must have called here this 
morning. 

Beattie. And still be in these apartments ! 

Mrs. C. (glancing back at Gil., then with finger to lips). 
S-h. (Cautiously, as she espies portieres.) Ah — behind those 
portieres ! Just watch me ! 

Gil. (closing door and coming doivji). You must pardon 
the appearance of these rooms. We are returning to the city 
on the ten-thirty train. (Nervously glances tozvard l. 3.) 

Mrs. C. (noia fiear portieres). On the ten-thirty, eh? 
You'll have to hurry. (Suddenly draws portieres aside.) 

Gil. (observing her action ; quickly). Why, what are you 
doing? 

Mrs. C. (coolly). Just observing what a pretty view you 
have. (Looks out.) And you're right on the water. 

Gil. (nervously). Yes — this portion of the hotel appears to 



l6 OUR WIVES 

be built on a sort of pier. {Crosses to r.) But let me show 
you the view from this room. It is truly beautiful. 

Mrs. C. (aside to Beattie). She's anxious to get us out 
of this room. Keep your eyes open, xr^y child. {Poinpously 
crosses to door, r.) Thank you. 

\_Exit off '^., followed by Beattie. 

Gil. (at door, r., looking toward i.. 3). If they only have 
sense enough to get away now they've got the opportunity. 

(.OffL. 3.) 

Blair {bobbing head out of door, l. 3, looks around cau- 
tiously, then out— calling off). Come on, old man, it's all 
right. 

Enter Chan., cautiously, door L. 3. 

Chan. I thought they'd never go. 

Blair. We haven't a minute to lose. Get your hat and 
follow me. {Looks on table for hat.) Great Scott ! where is 
that confounded 

Chan, (looking around). I can't find my hat either. 

Blair. By Jove, we can't be seen leaving the hotel without 
something to cover our heads. 

Chan, {looking around). That, in itself, would look sus- 
picious. (Sound heard off tvifidow.) 

Blair. Hello ! What was that ? 

Chan, (his knees trembling). It seemed to come from there. 

(Points toward window.) 

Blair (gasping). Great Caesar ! It can't be possible that 
we've been 

Chan, (cautiously making for l. 3). I'm going back to 
my old hidmg-place again. (Off i.. 3.) 

Blair (taking lo7ig strides to l. 3). Then— so am I. 

{On reaching door, suddenly dashes off. Empty stage for 
an i7istant. Then John Stanton, a thick-set, dark-mus- 
tached i7ian, bobs head through portieres. A small cam- 
era is slung over his shoulder.) 

Stan. Hello ! der coast is clear at last. (Steps into room.) 
Now to git a line on things and I'll be hunky-dory. {Cau- 
tiously moves to c.) Funny dere ain't no one about. (Espies 
R. 3.) Ah, dis room ! I hear voices within. 



OUR WIVES 



17 



(^Edges caution sly over to door, r. 3, and is about to peer 
through keyhole.) 

Enter Jul., suddenly, c. 

Jul. {espying him, giving a cry). . M'sieur ! (Starts.) 

Stan, (confusedly). Hullygee — what a fright. Say — don't 
ever do dat ag'in. 

Jul. (alarmed). What are you doing here, m'sieur? 

Stan. Me? Well, you see (Clears throat.) H'ni 

— how kin I explain it — the fact is 

Jul. (crossing to r.). I'll tell madame. 

Stan, (catching her by arm). Hold on. Don't do dat. 
Mebbe you wouldn't mind makin' fifty plunkers. 

Jul. (puzzled; repeating). Plunkers? 

Stan. Silver cart-wheels. In plain English — fifty dollars. 

Jul. Oui, m'sieur. I have nevar had so much money at 
one time in life. 

Stan. Well, you're a girl after my own liking, or I wouldn't 
put you wise. You can earn this money without winking an 
eye. 

Jul. (puzzled). You are not — not a burglar, m'sieur? 

Stan. Sure not. I'm a detective. Now come here — 
(roughly drawing her to him, glancijig about, and speaking in 
loud whisper) and listen. You're der maid, I take it? 

Jul. (nervously). Oui, oui, m'sieur. How you know that ? 

Stan. It's my business to know everything. (Looks around 
again before speaking.) Guess you're on as well as I am, that 
your master is the original green-eyed monster. 

Jul. Oui, oui, m'sieur. Madame's husband is very jealous. 

Stan. And that's what brings me here on der job. He 
hired me to come down here and do the watch act. 

Jul. Ha, ha — I see. But how did you get in zis room, 
m'sieur, without my seeing you ? 

Stan. Simply because I came in by that window. 

(Points at windoiv.) 

Jul. Ah ! zen you are ze man in ze boat? 

Stan. That's it. But not so loud. (Glances aroimd.) I 
saw two men in this room only a few minutes before I entered, 
and I thought if I could only manage to snap a few pictures, de 
old guy would come up handsome like. 

( Women heard off r., talking.) 



1 8 OUR WIVES 

Jul. (jtervously). Madame is coming. 
Stan. Dat's my cue to be on der move. Now don't fer- 
git. If you keep mum— and say nuthin' — der fifty's yours. 

{At doory c.) 

Jul. {nervously). And if I refuse ? 

Stan. Well — it'll cost you your job, — savvy? 

Jul. {nervously). Hurry, hurry, m'sieur. 

Stan, {openiftg door). I'll lay low in the hall and keep my 
eagle eye peeled. ( Off quickly, c. ) 

Jul. {closing door after him and standing with back against 
itt breathing hard). Oh, what shall I do? What shall I do? 

E titer Chan. a?id Blair, door l. 3. 

Blair. Who was that man ? 

Jul. {in loud whispers). Ze detective ! 

Chan. Detective? Good lor', what's up? 

Jul. I think it eez everyzing. He is looking for you. 

Blair. For me? Then I'm going to get out of here, hat 
or no hat. {Starts for door c.) 

Jul. {blockiftg his way). No, no, m'sieur, he is out there 
— waiting for you. 

Chan, {sadly). And our wives ? 

Jul. Are in zat room. {Points to r.) 

Blair. It's all up ! 

Jul. {sttddenly). I have eet. Ze detective came in by that 
window. He had a boat. 

{Hurries to window and draws portieres aside.) 

C \ {p^^il(^^^)' A boat ? The very thing ! 

Jul. {looking off). But alas — alas, it eez gone — adrift ! 
See! 

(Blair and Chan, look over her shoulder.) 

Blair. You're right. AVe're cornered. 

Chan, {despairingly). Hemmed in on all sides. 

Blair {quickly removing coat). Well, there's only one 
thing left. {Throws coat on floor.) And that's to swim for 
it. {Makes move as if to dive from window.) 

Chan, {rettioving his coat, imitates Blair's business ; trem- 
blingly). Yes — swim for it ! 



OUR WIVES 19 

Jul. {catchiiig them by ami). Stop, messieurs ! You are 
taking your lives in your hands. 

Blair. What's the odds ? We've nothing to live for now. 

Chan, {cautiously peering from window). That water 
does look a bit cold. Guess I'll change my mind. 

Beattie {Jieard off r.). You are right, it is beautiful. 
And now I should like to view the water from the other room. 

Blair (starting). My wife ! 

Jul. And coming here ! 

Chan, (running wildly about). What shall we do? 

Jul. (hurriedly glancing about). If only I could think of a 
way. (Suddenly.) Ah, ze trunks ! 

P f (/«^/7<:?«//v). The very thing ! 

(Both quickly open trunks and removing trays ^ toss thefn out 
of window.) 

Jul. (wringing hands). Gentlemen ! Gentlemen ! What 
are you doing ? 

'^ Blair. We'll square things later. (To Chan.) Hurry, 
old man, hurry. (Climbs in trunk.) 

Chan, (getting into trunk ; sarcastically). A dignified pro- 
ceeding for a man of my years. 

(Blair and Chan, are ?iow seated in trunks and holding up 
tops. ) 

Blair (/^ Chan.). Are you ready? 
Chan, (sorrowfully). Quite. 
Blair. Then let her go ! 

(Chan, and Blair simultaneously lower tops with a bang.) 

Jul. (sighing in relief). Thank goodness, they are what ze 
Americans call — (ejideavoring to recall phrase) oh, yes, "out 
of sight." 

Enter Gih., followed by Mrs. C. rt;;/^ Beattie, door r. 

Gil. Right this way, ladies. (Down to Jul. Anxiouslyy 
aside to her.) Did they manage to get out of that room? 

Jul. (nervously). Yes, madame, yes. 

Gil. (sighing i?i relief). Thank goodness for that. (To 
Mrs. C. «^/^ Beattie.) My maid will lead the way. 



20 OUR WIVES 

Mrs. C. So good of you. (^Up stage, nudging Beattie. 
Aside.) Now keep your eyes open, my child. Look behind 
the curtains, under the bed — everywhere ! 

Gil. (Jo Jul.). Go, Julia — show the ladies the west room. 

Jul. {iiervotisly). But, madame, I 

Gil. {irritated). Please do as I say. The expressman 
will soon be here, and we must be ready. 

Jul. {endeavoring to speak). But, madame, I 

Gil. {stamping foot). Wiiat obstinacy ! Do as I say ! 

Jul. {sighing). Very well, madame. {To Mrs. C. and 
Beattie.) Step zis way. {Leads them off "l. 3.) 

Gil. {quickly up to L. 3 and closing door). How fortunate 
they got away ! {Knock on door c.) Why, who can that be? 
{Opens door.) Come in. {E?iter Ford, a?t expressman, and 
assistant, with two hand trunk-trucks, which they roll into 
room. Gih., surprised.) You're not the expressman ? 

Ford. Dat's what. We're after two trunks. 

Gil. Goodness ! Why, you're early. 

Ford. Late, ye mean. That show train pulls out in ten 
minutes. We've got to hustle as it is to make it. 

Gil. {all excitement). Then my watch must be awfully 
late. {Down to trunks.) I don't really know whether Julia 
has finished packing. 

Ford. W^ell, den we can't wait. {Starts toward door c.) 
Come on, Jim ! 

Gil. {glancing around). Here, wait ! I guess everything's 
ready. Just lend a hand. {To Yort) and assistant.) Please 
lock and strap these trunks — while I get my things. 

(Quickly off R.) 

(Ford and assistant strap and hurriedly lock trunks^ and 
then in businesslike manner place trunks on hand trunk- 
trucks afid wheel them off, door c.) 

Enter Mrs. C. and Beati^ie, door L. 

Beattie. You see, mamma, we were mistaken after all. I 
knew Walter wouldn't deceive me that way. 

Mrs. C. I have my own ideas about Walter, dear. {Cotnes 
down R. a7id espies Chan.'s coat on floor.) What's this? 
(Starts.) Your father's coat ? 

Beattie {coming down l.). No, no, mamma, you must be 
mistaken ! {Then suddenly espies Blair's on floor before her. 
Gives a shriek and picks it up.) And Walter's ! 



OUR WIVES 21 

Enter Jul., hurriedly, door l. 

Jul. {coming c, looks fro?n l. to r.). Where are they? 
Where are they ? 

Mrs. C. ) .; , ,. , _, 

Beattie ( Kf^olding up coats). That's just what we would 

3 like to know ! 
Jul. (ivringing hands). I mean madame's trunks. 

Enter Gil., wearing hat, travelifig cloak and carryi?ig bags 
and bundles. 

Gil. The trunks ? Why, they've just been taken away by 
the expressman ! 

Jul. (hysterical). Ze expressman ? Zen it is ze finish of 
ze gentlemen ! 

Gil. {to Jul.). Why, didn't they get away ? 

Jul. Yes, madame— (//^^/^ close to Gil.) but inside ze 
trunks ! (Gil. gives a scream, and dropping bags and bundles 
faints in Jul.'s anfis. Jul. struggles with her.) Help! 
Help! J 66 ; p 

(Mrs. C. and Beattie, on either side, frantically fan Gil. 
with husbands' coats.) 

Picture 



QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The home of Gild a Deveaux /;/ New York City. 
Time, 710071. Doors r. i, c. a7id L. 3. Ma7itel a7id fire- 
place L. I, with clock, etc. The sa77ie setti7igfor Act I ca7i 
be used here a7id a cha7ige in appear cmce effected by placi7ig 
a set mantel a7id fireplace infro7it of bay wi7idow ; ha7igi7ig 
pictures on wall a7id usi7ig differe7itfur7iiture. Sofa agai7ist 
wall, u. R. Table agai7ist wall, r. Chair alo7igside of 
sa77ie; a telephone on table. Chair in fro7it of fireplace. 
Screen right of c. door. 

(At rise, Lloyd Deveaux, a 77iiddle-aged man, with thin 
tro7i-gray hair a7id waxed 77iustache a7id i77iperial, wear- 
ing a bath or lou7igi7ig 7-obe, his foot badly swollen a7id 
swathed tn ba7idages, discovered seated at table, his foot 
restmg on hassock.) 

^ Dev. {a7igrily, i7i telepho7ie). Hello, hello! Is this the 
information bureau? {Loudly.) I say— is this the informa- 
tion bureau? {After pause.) Eh— what's that ? Weil, why 
don t you say so ? {Repeats 7nuch louder.) I say— why don't 
you say so? {Pause. Then in telepho7ie.) I want to find 
out when that train arrives from Atlantic City. {Stirprised') 
Got in half hour ago, you say ? {Loudly.) Then where's my 
wife? {Loudly.) I say—where's my wife ? {Pause.) You 
don t know? Well, she was supposed to have come down on 
your confounded train. {Starts.) What's that? {A7igrily ) 
None of your impudence. If I had you here, sir, I'd soundly 
thrash you with my cane ! Bah-(///<?/^ repeati7ig still loude7-) 
I said— bah, sir ! v -r e> j 

Enter Gtl c, wearing traveling cloak as before, and fol- 
lowed by Jul., carryi7ig bags a7id bu7idles. 

hubb^* ^'^''^'' ^"^ ^^^" ^""^^'"'Shim on shoulder). Heigho-- 

Dev. {tur7ii7ig a7id catcJmig her by ha7id ; joyfully). Ah. 
my dear—here you are. "^ -^^ ' ■ 

Gil. Yes, dear, at last. {Draws ha7id away. To Tul ^ 
You can put those things in my room, Julia. '^ 



OUR WIVES 23 

Jul. Oui, madame. (^Off v..) 

Dev. I've been trying to get word to you the last half hour. 
(Anxiously.') And now tell me — how did it go? 

Gil. (removing hat and cloak). The opera, you mean ? 

Dev. Yes. 

Gil. Not as smoothly as it should have — but Herr Siebel, 
the composer, has made several changes since the premier per- 
formance, which augur well for the success of the enterprise. 

Dev. (disappointedly). I'm sorry for tliat. You know, my 
dear, how greatly I abhor theatricals, especially where you are 
concerned. I had hoped, when you became my wife, to over- 
come these aspirations on your part — but alas, I appear to have 
been unsuccessful. 

Gil. It is the one hobby, dear, to me, and surely you 
wouldn't 

Dev. Now don't let's go all over that again. I know your 
liking and all that— and yet I had hoped for a failure of your 
present starring vehicle. 

Gil. (surprised). You had hoped for it? 

Dev. (slowly nodding head in assent). Yes— anything to 
discourage you. I believed a failure might cause you to retire 
from the stage once and for all times. 

Gil. You surprise me. 

Dev. My dear, you know my great wealth. I have given 
you country houses, Swiss chalets, yachts, motor-cars, and 
everything one could desire. I should imagine you would be 
willing to give up this silly notion just to please me. 

Gil. (her arms about his shoulders). There, there, you 
don't understand the fascination of the thing. 

Dev. Fascination indeed. Bah ! Is there any fascination 
in appearing in a failure? 

Gil. Oh, but the opera hasn't proven a failure as yet. 

Dev. (anxiously). Ah — then if it does? 

Gil. Why, I suppose that would xmkQ a difference. (Goes 
to C, and takes up cloak and hat.) I do beheve, hubby, that 
Myou weren't so antagonistic — /wouldn't be so anxious for the 
stage. (At door, r., laughingly.) It's the things beyond our 
reach that we always seem to want. (Off k.) 

\)YN. (bitterly). I was right— I was right. Gilda only mar- 
ried me for my money. I'm good enough to pay the bills. 
But never mind, Stanton may have news for me. In the event 

of which I'll firmly put my foot down (Brings down 

bandaged foot heavily on floor, then sets up a yell and jumps 



24 OUR WIVES 

Up and down on o tie foot.) Ouch— but not that way ! No, 
not that way ! 

Efiter Jul., hurriedly from r. 

Jul. Ah, m'sieur, anything wrong ? 

Dev. {angrily-). No, everytliing's right. {In commanding 
tone.) Here, take hold and get my foot back on that hassock. 
Jul. Oui, oui, m'sieur. 

{Kneels beside hi?n and takes hold of his foot.) 

Dev. And stop that— {imitating her) " wee-wee ' ' business ' 
{Gives a start.) Ouch! Be careful, will you? You're as 

clumsy as {Gives another cry.) Oh, what a set! 

{^loivly lowers hmiself on chair and directs Jul ) Gently 
now—gently There-thafs it— now slowly. {Sinks in chair 
With a sigh.) At last_at last ! (Jul., holding his foot sus- 
pended over hassock, suddenly lets go hold Dev., as foot 
falls on hassock, gives a cry.) O-h ! {Tlmi, laith flashing 
eyes, brandishes cane.) I knew it, you little vixen ! You did 
It on purpose. 

Jul. (c, trembling). No, no, m'sieur. 

, j^'^''- . X"""'"^ ^ ^^■''^'^^ '^'^^'^ »^^y wife— your mistress. 
{Brandishes cane ) Begone ! I'll discharge the whole house- 
hold ! Begone, I say ! 

Jul. {starting c). Yes, m'sieur. 

dozvi c. Dev. changes tone.) I suppose you kept your eyes 
well open while away? ^ .^^ui c_ycs 

Jul. {puzzled). Oui, oui, m'sieur. 
rn?^^' /^f^ ^^^^ -wee- wee" business. {Glances around 
went^f '^'''' ''^''''' ^A«^///^.) And noted everything that 

;i r!!''/"';/'^^'''?!■• ^^^''^' ^^^^P^ hands quickly over 
moutli. Confusedly.) I beg ze pardon, m'sieur. 

NowTake?hi:,^l.yllI:f!Ll"'^ ^''''" ^'''^^ -^ '^^- ^-0 

Jul. {taking it). Oh, thank you, m'sieur. 

iJfT'"^ ^^;.//.//./K around; in loud whispers), 
and tell me what you saw ^ 

J^^e^"'t:^^^"'' '"""'""^'y --«''. '>-» in loud 
Dev. {eagerly ; in loud 7Msfers). Everything! 



OUR WIVES 



^5 



Jul. Well, I — I didn't see anytJmig, m'sieur. 

Dev. {angrily). Begone ! Clear out ! 

Jul. (at door j c). Oui, oui, m'sieur. 

\^Exity laughingly. 

Dev. {letting out a roar). The servants are one and all in 
league with her. I don't see what a hold Gilda has on them. 
I am always kind and gentle — yet they bow and scrape before 
me as if 1 were a tyrant. {E?iter Stan., suddenly through 
fireplace i l. Dev. gives a start.) Stanton ! 

Stan. At your service ! {Fi?iger to lips.) S-h ! 

{Cautiously up to c, and looks off, then down to c. Strikes 
pose. ) 

Dev. {puzzled). Whatever made you come that way? 

Stan. I have no time to waste in explanation. Suffice it 
when I say — I'm here. 

Dev. {anxiously). Anything n^w? 

Stan, {glancing around, then taking out note-book). I 
watched your wife's apartments from a boat for three long days. 

Dev. Yes, yes, but get down to facts. Forget the details. 

Enter Jul., door c, then observing Stan., draws behind 
screen and intently listens. 

Stan. Well, I tracked two men to her rooms. 

Dev. {rubbing hands together). Good. Were they young 
or old ? 

Stan. Both. 

Dev. And their names ? 

Stan. Didn't manage that. 

Dev. {disappointedly). The most important thing of all. 
You should have followed them to their hotels when they 
walked out. 

Stan. The trouble is — they didn't 7valk. 

Dev. Ridiculous ! 

Stan. But came out in your wife's trunks. 

Dev. {staggered). You — you don't mean it. 

(Jul. withdraws, c.) 

Stan. Once I was sure they'd quitted the rooms, I made 
for the depot and got there just in time to see the trunks put on 
the train. You can bet I camped right alongside o' them till 



a6 OUR WIVES 

we landed in New York, and from the groans I heard every 
time the car jostled a bit, I know my two friends had rough 
going. 

Dev. And later developments ? 

Stan. Dere ain't been none. The trunks are on der way 
here now. I seen 'em both put safe on de express wagon. I 
thought it best to have 'em brought right up here. 

Dev. {bitterly). Yes — yes ! I'll make the scoundrels an- 
swer to me — instead of the courts. Armed to the teeth, I will 
personally superintend the opening of those trunks. {Then 
changes tone. ) But what of the opera ? 

Stan. Well, boss, ;t's a toss-up. Some say it'll be a go — 
others jes' the opposite. It all depends on to-night. 

Dev. It must be a failure. 

Stan. Your sayin' so won't make it one 

Dev. Ah, but I've thought out a plan. (Glances around 
before speaking.) You must engage half a dozen lieutenants, 
hire dress suits for all, purchase the best orchestra seats, and 
attend to-night's performance. 

Stan. I'm on — I'm wise. You want us to queer the show. 

Dev. Exactly. Your party must hiss, jeer and cat- call 
from the rise of the curtain. It will influence the rest of the 
audience and the critics, and insure the failure of the piece. 

Stan. Sounds well — but how will I look wearin' a dress 
suit ? 

Dev. {risifig). Lend me your arm. (Supports himself on 
Stan. 's arm atid crosses l.) There are a number of details to 
decide upon to insure the success of our venture. Come quietly. 
My wife must not know you are here. 

\_Exit off L., with Stan., groaning at each step. 

Enter Jul., cautiously y c. 

Jul. Oh, I must tell madame. 

(Over to door, r., and knocks on same.) 

Gil. (from within). Who is it? 

Jul. (nervously). Julia. I must see you at once, madame. 

Efiter GiL.,yrom R. 

Gil. You're all unstrung. What is it, Julia ? 

Jul. The trunks are below, madame. 

Gil. (starting). Goodness ! what are we to do ? 



OUR WIVES 



27 



Jul. And the worst of it is — your husband knows every- 
thing. 

Gil. Gracious — who could have ? 

Jul. Ze detective told him. He is here now. They are 
going to open the trunks and your husband will be what you 
Americans call — {endeavors to recall words) what ees it again ? 
{Suddenly.) Oh, yes — '' armed to ze teeth." 

Gil. {fiervously). Where is my husband now ? 

Jul. {pointing r.). In hees room. 

Gil. In the rear of the house ? Good! (T'^Jul.) Have 
the trunks brought up here immediately. 

Jul. {surprised). Here? {Then adds.) But ze men- 
folks, madame? 

Gil. I'll see that they get safely away. Hurry, Julia. 

Jul. Oui, madame. \^Exit hurriedly^ door at back. 

Gil. {nervously wringing hands). Hubby was right. Why, 
oh, why did I ever return to the stage ? {Enter two express- 
men, door Q., each wheeling a trunk on hand- trunk trucks ; 
Gil., nervously.) Put the trunks right here. {Expressmen 
set trunks R. c, and v.. c. Gil. hands them coin from purse.) 
Thank you so much. {Expressme7i exit, c. Gil., nervously 
to door c. Calls off.) Julia ! Julia ! 

Etiter Jul., door c. 

Jul. Yes, madame. 

Gil. {handing her trunk key). Quick ! We must release 
them before it is too late. 

(Gil. and Jul. each unstrap and unlock trunk and lift tops. 
Chan, and Blair are discovered seated in trunks. Both 
have black eyes, their hair is disheveled, and their clotJmig 
badly torn.) 

Jul. Hurry, hurry. You must get away. 
Chan, {sadly). I can hardly move. 
Gil. How you must have suffered. 
Blair {sadly). You don't know what we went through. 
Chan, {sadly). Well, you can bet /do. {Looks around.) 
Where are we, anyway ? 
Gil. You're in my house. 
Blair {starting). Your house? 
Chan. New York or London? 
Gil. New York, of course. 



28 OUR WIVES 

Chan. I feel as if I'd traveled a century. 
Gil. {7iervously). You'll have to be going. My hus- 
band ;- 

Blair | ^.^ surprise). Your husband ? 

Chan. Must we also meet him ? 

Blair. I don't feel equal to it, in my present weakened 
condition. 

Gil. Hurry, hurry. 

Blair {moaning). I can hardly move. 

Chan. {co77ifortably reclining in trunk). I don't want to. 

Gil. (Jo Jul.). Take hold, Julia. Every minute counts. 

( Takes hold of Blair under arms. ) 

Jul. ^taking hold of Cnk-ii.). Are you ready? {Counts.) 

One, two 

• Chan, {protesting). AVait ! I'm aches and pains all over. 
I can better manage it alone. {Then, after several efforts^ 
finally succeeds i?i getting out of truTik and sits on edge, breath- 
ifig hard. Feels of arins.) I'll bet I'm black and blue all 
over. 

(Gil. meanwhile has been having trouble with Blair.) 

Blair {finally sitting on edge of trunk). I'll never forget 
that trip as long as I live. 

Chan, {sadly). Neither will I. {To Blair.) Say, Wal- 
ter, do you remember that bump we got day before yesterday? 

Gil. Day before yesterday? Why, you've only been in 
the trunks four hours. 

Chan. ) r> , ^ 

Blair. [Fo"-^ hours? 

Chan. {shaki?ig head). And I imagined it at least a 
month. 

Jul. {nervously, to Gil.). M'sieur will be coming. 

Gil. You're right. {To Chan, ^i;/^/ Blair.) Come, you 
must be going. 

Chan. \ {on feet, looking themselves over). What — and in 

Blair j this rig ? 

Blair. I'd rather go back to the trunk. 

{Places one foot in trunk.) 
Chan. I've got to go back. {Sa7ne business.) 



OUR WIVES 



29 



Gil. (catchtjjg him by ami). No, no — you're risking your 
life. 

Chan. What's the difference? I'm half dead now. 

Gil. I'll find you some of my husband's clothing. In the 
meantime, get into that room. {Points r.) 



Blair. ) .,, • , , 
Chan. | ^" "§'''• 



{Make step toward r. , and then begin to ivaver. Gil. and 
Jul. catch them and hold them up as they are about to fall.) 

Blair. I feel as if I'd just stepped off a ship. 

Chan, (sadly). And I — from out of a threshing-machine. 

^^M We'll help you. 

{Matiage to get them off r., as enter Oscar, door c, still 
wearing straw hat and carrying several valises.) 

Oscar. By golly, , dot's ober a walk from der depot here. 
Und I got such a cold in der head. (Sneezes ; then apolo- 
getically.) Oscuse me, blease. (Looks around.) Oh, I am 
alone. I only hope she has came home already. (Enter Gil., 
hurriedly from R., closing door.) Ah, dere you are. (Sneezes.) 
Oscuse me, blease. I caught such a cold in der train. It stays 
in der head. I came to run over der new scene mit you. 

Gil. (spinning him out of the way). Oh, I haven't time 
now. You'll have to call later. \_Exit, door c. 

Oscar (surprised). By golly, dot's a reception for you. 
(Up to door c, looks after her.) Now I wonder what's der 
reason ? 

E titer Jul., door r., quickly down to trunks, closing tops with 
a bang. Oscar, at door c, starts afid watches her, finally 
giving a loud sneeze. 

Jul. (starting). What was that? 
Oscar (c, with broad sfnile). Me. 
Jul. (turning). How you frightened me. 
Oscar (ivith sweeping bow). Oscuse me, blease. I got a 
cold in der head. 

Jul. (ijidigftant). Well, I'm glad you've got something there. 

(Starts R.) 

Oscar (catching her by wrist). Shust one minute. 



30 



OUR WIVES 



Jul. (^puzzled). Well, what is it, m'sieur ? 

Oscar (looking around). Tell me, what is der trouble mit 
your mistress ? 

Jul. Trouble? {Surprised.) Why, nothing, m'sieur. 

Oscar. Oh, it is someding der matter, I know. Shust now 
she spin me around like a top, und dis morning she introduce 
me as her brother or fodder — I fergit which. 

Jul. {seizing him by wrist and placing Jinger to lips). S-h. 

(^Glances cautiously around, then brings him down stage.) 

Oscar (watching her closely, then quickly glancing aroutid 
hijnself. Aside). What's going to happen now ? 

Jul. (confidentially). We didn't have time to explain 
things, but I will do so now. (/;; loud whispers.) Listen ! 

Oscar (in loud zahispers). Y-e-s. 

Jul. When madame said that you were her father, she said 
it because 

Oscar (anxiously). Yes — because why ? 

Jul. Because (Door- bell rings off. Jul. starts.) 

Who can that be? (Quickly.) Oh — and 1 forgot to tell Cora 
not to open the door for any one. (To Oscar.) Just a minute. 

(Starts for c.) 

Oscar (after her). Yes, yes — but hold on, you didn't tell 
me der 

Enter Gil., hurriedly, door c, ca^-rying a bundle of clothing. 

^ Gil. (calling). Julia, Julia, where are you? 

Jul. Here, madame. 

Gil. (excitedly). It's Mrs. Chandler and her daughter. 
Cora let them in. 

Jul. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. What are we 
to do? 

Gil. (to Jul.). They'd better not see you ! 

Oscar (anxiously). And your fodder ? 

Gil. (/^ Oscar). Or _>'^/^, either. 

Oscar \ ^^^^^y ^i^^^^^ing about). Where can we go? 

Gil. Hide, — hide! Under the sofa — anywhere! (At door 
R.) Meanwhile I'll give the men some of my husband's old 
clothes. (Off ^.) 

Jul. (suddenly). I have it. The trunks ! 



OUR WIVES 



31 



Oscar (^puzzled^. Say, what is dis, anyway? A luna- 
ticalum ? 

Jul. Oh, don't ask questions. {Opens trunk.) Here, get 
in ze trunk. {Forces him in.) Hurry, hurry ! So. 

{Then gets in other trunk herself.) 

Oscar (/« trunk; business). By golly, dis is a new one 
on me. 

(Jul. and Oscar lower trunk tops.) 

Gil. {coming on, r., calling off). Now do be careful — 
and remember your wives. {Closes door.) 

Enter Dev., from l., assisted by Stan. 

Dev. Ah, I thought I heard the front bell ring. {Rubs 
hands together and surveys trunks.) So your trunks have 
come at last? {To Stan.) Perhaps we're too late. 

(Oscar, in trunk, sneezes.) 

Stan. Did you hear that? That's the old fellow ! He's 
caught a cold. 

Dev. {brandishing cane). He'll catch something else, the 
moment I set eyes on him. {To Stan.) Now, then — to your 
work. {Enter Mrs. C. and Beattie, door at back. Stan. 
steps down to trunks. Dev., surprised, looks at ladies.) 
Hello ! And who might these ladies be ? 

Gil. Friends of mine. 

Mrs. C. {haughtily). Friends no longer. We have learned 
the truth. 

Dev. {a?txiously). The truth? What truth? {To Gil.) 
Who are these ladies ? 

Gil. (troubled). Why — why 

Mrs. C. We will introduce ourselves. I am Mrs. Chand- 
ler, wife of Roswell Chandler, and this — {referring to Beattie) 
is my daughter, Mrs. Blair. 

Dev. {2vith sarcasm). In other words, you are the wives 
of the backers of "The Fleur-de-lis." 

Mrs. C. {surprised). "Fleur-de-lis"! 

Beattie {iTidigna?it). I should say not. 

Mrs. C. It's bad enough our husbands should be infatu- 
ated with this song-bird. {Refers to Gil.) 



3^ 



OUR WIVES 



Stan, {his attention arrested). Ah, then you are the 
wives of the two men who I tracked to the apartments. 

Gil. {surprised ; with flashing eyes). Then I was right. 
You are 

Stan, {with thumbs in vest). John Stanton, the detective ! 

Gil. {handkerchief to eyes ; to Dev.). Oh, how could you 
be so cruel ? 

{Sinks on chair and buries eyes in hander chief on table.) 

Dev. {firmly). I felt it my duty. I had reason to suspect 
the truth. 

Beattie {to Mrs. C., brokenly). You were right after all; 
they have deceived us. {Weeps ofi Mrs. C.'s shoulder.) 

Mrs. C. Be calm, my child. I was certain of it, the mo- 
ment I found their coats in the room. 

Stan, {to Dev.). You see, boss, I was not mistaken. 

Beattie {brokenly). But where, oh where, to find them ! 

Stan, {pompously). L'adies, I believe I can do that for 
you. ( Crosses to right of r. tru7ik. Dev. lijnps left of other. 
^TA'ii. drazus a revolver. 71? Dev.) Belter be ready. They're 
liable to give us a tussle. 

Dev. {drawi7ig a large oldfashioned revolver from coat 
pocket and taking hold of top of trunk). I'm ready for any- 
thing. 

Stan. Then, ladies, behold — your husbands ! 

(Dev. and Stan, simultaneously lift tops of trunks ^ expos- 
ing Jul. and Oscar to view. Gil., now realizing truth y 
laughs heartily. Mrs. C. and Beattie stand aghast. 
Dev. and Stan, are astonished.) 

Oscar {sneezing). Oscuse me, blease — I got a cold in der 
head. 

Dev. {looking at Jul.). My wife's maid ! {Then to Oscar.) 
But who are you, sir? 

Oscar {standi?ig up in trunk). Ober blease, I would rather 
not 

Dev. {emphatically). Who are you, sir ? 

Oscar {appealing to Gil.). Dot's it — who am I ? 

Dev. {emphatically). Answer me ! 

{Stamps bandaged foot, then jumps up and down in great 
pain.) 



OUR WIVES 



33 



Oscar {troubled^. Well, since you are so anxious. I am 
your wife's sister. 

All. What ? 

O'iQk^ {business). No, no — her brother (Stammers.) 

I got dot mixed — I should say, her fodder. 

Dev. a vagabond — a lunatic — I vow ! (Angrily.) Clear 
out, you good-for-nothing, and lose no time. 

Oscar (cofifusedly out of trunk and edging toward door c). 
I'm only too glad to git der chance. (Sneezes.) Oscuse me, 
I got a cold in der head. (Off door at back.) 

Stan. He'll bear watching. I intend to track him to his 
lair. (Up to door c.) 

Dev. (disgusted). Well, it's about time you did something 
besides draw your salary. Don't forget to-night. 

Stan, (drawing himself to a height). See here, boss, John 
Stanton never forgets anything. (Off door c.) 

Dev. (to Jul.). And as for you, you can consider your 
notice given. After the first of the month, I'll have no further 
need of your services. 

Jul. (pleadingly). But, m'sieur. 

Dev. (limping on foot to \..). Not another word. That is 
final. (Jul., with handkerchief to eyes, off c.^ goes L., loudly 
weeping. Dev., to Mrs. C. and Beattie.) I'm sorry, ladies, 
to have disappointed you. But better luck next time. If you 
will step into the library, I shall be pleased to hear your 
stories. 

Mrs. C. Thank you, sir. (To Beattie.) Come, dear, 
it will be some relief to unburden our sad experiences to a 
sympathetic listener. (Her arm about Beattie, leads her L. 
Turns to Dev.) Thank you so much. (Off together, l.) 

Dev. (to Gil.). Now, then, madam, I wish you to under- 
stand that I have not been deceived by the trunk episode. 
Until I have your promise to retire from tlie footlights — (dra- 
matically) never speak to me again. (Off door l.) 

Gil. (despairingly). Oh, what shall I do ? Unless this 
awful mix-up is satisfactorily explained, I'll very likely lose my 
husband, home and everything. (Wrings hands.) Oh, why 
— oh, why didn't I heed his advice from the first? 

Blair (from within, R.). Can we come in now? 

Gil. (nervously). Wait. (Glances around ; then pushes 
door R. open.) Yes; but please hurry off, (Comes down l.) 

Enter Chan, and Blair, both wearing badly-fitting clothing. 



'34 



OUR WIVES 



Blair's being much too tight for him^ and Chan.'s much 
too loose. Both appear ludicrous. 

Chan. | ho\v do we look ? 

Blair, j * 

Gil. {looking them over). Gracious ! Simply awful 1 

(Chan, and Blair look themselves over.") 

Blair. Do you know, we sort of had that notion ourselves. 

Chan, (^nervously). And the detective ? 

Gil. Just left a moment ago. 

Blair. I'll bet two pins he's laying for us down-stairs. 

Chan. Let him lay. He won't catch me going down. 

Gil. {emphatically). Well, you can't remain here like this. 

Blair. No, and we can't go away like this. 

{Refers to clothing.') 

Gil. It will be suicide if you stay. 

Chan, {looking himself over). And it'll be worse than that 
if we venture forth. 

Gil. {wildly f c). And now I want you to know that I've 
resigned from the company. 

Blair. Resigned from the company ? 

Gil. Yes, I'm through with the stage forever. 

Blair (pleadingly). But you can't leave us this way. Look 
at our investment ! 

Chan. Every dollar will be lost. 

Gil. I can't help that. I should never have crossed my 
husband's wishes. 

Chan. But what of ours? Surely, you're not going to quit 
on a moment's notice? 

Gil. Yes, I'm through right now. 

Blair. No, no, you can't. We'll hold you to your two 
weeks' clause ! 

Gil. {defiant). Oh, you will, will you? Well, we'll see 
about that. 

Chan, {oti knees, pleadijigly). No, no, we didn't mean to 
say just that. 

Blair {oji knees, other side of her). Forgive me, I 

'Chan. At least see us through the opening night. 



OUR WIVES 



35 



Blair. In the meantime, perhaps we can arrange for a sub- 
stitute. Only don't desert us; we'll lose everything if you do. 
Chan, {ready to cry). I'll be worse than bankrupt. 

{Door-bell rings below.) 

Gil. {starting). Probably the detective again. 

Chan. | {^nervously appealing to her). Please say you won't 

Blair | desert us — at least until to-morrow. 

Gil. {nervously). Quick — hide somewhere. 

Chan. By Jove ! not until you promise. 

Blair {firmly). We're desperate now. Come, your an- 
swer. 

Gil. Well, since you force me to speak and I have no al- 
ternative, I won't resign until to-morrow. 

Blair {lifting trunk top). Ah, that, at least, gives us 
hope. 

Chan, {lifting other trunk top). Which is about allwQ 
have got. 

Gil. {excitedly). Hurry, hurry. 

(Chan, and Blair climb into trunks.) 
Chan, {sadly). There's no place hke home. 
{They close tops.) 

Gil. {sighing in relief). Thank goodness, they weren't 
seen. It would have been dreadful. {Moves r.) 

Enter Mal., hurriedly, door at back. 

Mal. Pardon my intrusion in this abrupt manner, but I'm 
looking for the wives of Messrs. Roswell Chandler and Walter 
Blair. 

Eftter 'D'EN.jfrotn L. 
Dev. They are here, sir. {Calls off.) Ladies! 
Enter Mrs. C. and Beattie, anxiously, from L. 

Mrs C ") 

-D '' ')■ {anxiously to Mal.'). What is it? 
Beattie j ^ -^ -' 

Beattie {eagerly). I can see by your face something has 

happened. 



36 OUR WIVES 

Mal. {taking c). It has. {To Mrs. C. and Beattie.) 
Ladies, your husbands were both at Atlantic City this forenoon ? 

BEATTm } Q*'^^^h^^^^^y)' Y^s, yes. 

Mal. As a reporter, it is my duty to obtain the news. I 
have news for you. 

Mrs. C. I (^^jjxi^n^iyy Qo on— go on ! 

Mal. {handing Mrs. C. piece of paper). Is that your hus- 
band's handwriting? {Then hands another piece to Beattie.) 
And yours? 

T» f {^(ich quickly scanning paper). Yes, yes. 

Mal. Those notes were found in the *'Sea Breeze Hotel " 
just after you had taken your departure. 

Beattie {looki?tg at paper). What's this? {Reads aloud.) 
" When you read this, I will have put an end to my misery." 

Mrs. C. {reading from her paper). ** I can no longer stand 
the terrific strain." 

Beattie [ (^^^^^'^^^ ^'f)- ^^ <^oesn't mean ? 

Mal. {sloivly fiodding head in affirmative). It is my pain- 
ful duty to speak the truth. Those letters, with the finding of 
their coats, conclusively prove — [distinct/y) that both your 
husbands have committed suicide ! 

Mrs. C. {giving a cry and fainting in Dev.'s arms). Poor 
Roswell ! 

Beattie {same instant fainting in Gil.'s arms). Poor 
Walter ! 

(Chan, and Blair half-way raise tops of trunks, and unseen 
by others^ exchatige glances as the curtain descends.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same. Time^ evening. Two trunks in santi 
position as in previous act. 

Enter Jul., door c, with two newspapers, 

Jul. {looking cautiously about, then tiptoeing to door r., 
looks off, after which comes down C, and knocks on both 
trunks). Are you in ? 

Chan. | {lifting tops of trunks and bobbing heads out). 

Blair | Don't we look it? 

Jul. {finger to lips). S-h, not too loud. M'sieur is in ze 
next room. {Poi?tts r.) 

Blair. Have you the evening papers ? 

Jul. Yes. {Hands one to each.) 

Chan, {eagerly). Now to learn the worst. 

Blair {scanning paper). Don't we know that already? 
{Suddenly.) Hello. {Reads.) ''Retired broker and son-in- 
law commit suicide." 

Chan, (sitting up in trunk, sadly shaking head). Then it 
wasn't a joke. They really believe us dead, after all. 

Blair {sitting up). Just listen. {Reads.) ** Throw them- 
selves in the sea at Atlantic City after writing farewell notes." 

Chan, {bitterly). I knew those confounded notes would 
get us into trouble. It's all your fault. 

Blair. , 'Tis not. 

Chan. 'Tis. 

Blair. Oh, very well. Have it your way, then. Listen. 
{Reads.) ''Bodies not recovered as yet." 

Chan, {feeling of shoulder). And mine never will, from 
the looks of things. 

Blair {reading). "Not known what reason they may have 
had " 

Chan, {shaking head). We know. 

Blair {continuing). "but is generally attributed by 

their friends to a sudden attack of insanity." 

Chan. Now we're crazy, too. Anything else? 

Jul. Ze papers are just full of it. Got your pictures and 
everything. They all think you drowned. 

37 



^8 OUR WIVES 

Chan. Well, I'll starve to death, that's certain, unless I 
soon get something to eat. 

Jul. {feelingly). Are you hungry, m'sieur? 

Chan | (f^^S^^^^^)- Are we hungry ? 

Chan. I haven't had a morsel of anything since morning. 

Jul. I'm so sorry. Just wait. [Up to door c.) I will 
try to get you something. 

Chan. Don't be particular. A steak — French chop — roast 
fowl — anything like that will do. 

Blair {throwing Jul. kiss). You're a dear. 

Jul. {at door c). It will not be an easy matter without ze 
cook knowing it — but I will do ze best I can. {Off door c.) 

Chan I ^°^^'^ ^^ ^°"^ ' 

Blair {looking at paper). Shall I read the rest of it? 

Chan. No, I'm satisfied we're in an awful stew. 

Blair. If only we had some clothing. 

Chan, {whining). If only we had a lot of things. Do you 
know, I've about made up my mind not to disappoint the 
papers. 

Blair {surprised). You mean — by committing suicide? 

Chan. Just what. We've got to do something. 

Blair. Why not make a clean breast of it and throw our- 
selves on the mercy of our wives? 

Chan. Horrible ! I'd rather throw myself under a steam 
roller. 

Blair. Well, what are we to do ? 

Enter Gil., dressed for the street y R. '^ 

Chan, {looking at Gil.). Ah, you alone can help us. 

Gil. {co7ning doiun c). Haven't I done everything possible 
to get you out of those trunks ? 

Blair. Yes — but the fact is — we don't want to get out — 
just yet. 

Chan, {sadly). No; home was never like this. 

Gil. {brokenly). It was cruel of you to draw me into your 
affair. 

Blair. We haven't done all the drawing. There have 
been other artists. 

Gil. Well, after my two weeks' notice expires, I want it 
distinctly understood I'm no longer a member of the company. 



OUR WIVES 



39 



Blair (overjoyed). Ah, then you're going to give us at 
least two weeks 

Gil. (firmly). Yes. I've decided it is only right, that no 
matter what tlie cost, I ouglit to live up to the contract I 
signed. 

Blair {clapping hands). Bravo! 

Gil. I will prepare the usual notice and be prepared to de- 
liver it immediately after the performance to-night. {Then 
suddenly glances r.) S-h — my husband ! 

(Chan, and Blair lower trunk tops and disappear from 
view.) 

Enter Dev., limping on cane, door R. 

Dev. Ah, I see you're still here. 

Gil. (nervously). Yes. I wanted to ask you to reconsider 
your decision with reference to 

Dev. (emphatically bringing down cane)... Not unless you 
resign from the company at once. 

Gil. (pleadingly). But I've already told you so many 
times it would be unfair for me to desert my managers with- 
out giving them time to get some one in my stead. 

Dev. My word must be law. Either I am to be obeyed 
or 

Gil. (firmly). Much as I would like to do what you ask, 
I feel it my duty to live up to the contract I entered into. 

Dev. As you will. (Waves her off.) There's no further 
need to discuss the subject. (Abruptly.) Good-night. 

(Starts for door R.) 

Gil. Very well, then. ■ Good-night. [^Exit, c. 

Dev. (halting at door r. and slowly turriing). Hello. 
She's gone ! (Limps up to c. door.) Here — hold on ! (Looks 
off.) I thought by being a little abrupt, I'd bring her to her 
senses. (Shakes head.) Gad, she's a will of her own. iVnd 
yet, after all, I don't much blame her for insisting on carrying 
out the terms of her contract. (Proudly.) In fact, I give her 
credit for it. Only, it will make me look mighty small unless 
I manage by hook or crook, in some way or other, to get the 
upper hand. (Enter Mai.., hurriedly door c, looking back. 
Unknowingly collides with Dev.) You confounded idiot ! 

Mal. (turning and espying Dev.). Oh, hello, old man, 
just the party I am looking for. 



40 OUR WIVES 

Dev. {starting for '^.'). Guess you want to see my wife. 

Mal. {catching him by arm). Just met her on the stairs. 
Asked her a simple question and she whirled me around like a 
top. That's a habit she's got. 

Dev. {sharply). The matter does not concern me, sir. 
What do you want here, anyway ? 

Mal. {taking note-book from pocket). I'm after a story for 
my paper. Perhaps you would care to 

Dev. {a7igrily). I don't care to do anything. 

Mal. Yes, but your wife is the star of 

Dev. Will you leave me alone? {Emphatically.) I tell 
you I don't care to discuss this or any other subject with you, 
sir. 

Mal. {catching him by arm again, and turning him as he is 
about to go). But it is rumored that you and your wife con- 
template a divorce 

Dev. {starting). Eh? What? How's that? It's an in- 
famous falsehood* ! 

Mal. {hurriedly writing in book). Divorce denied ! {Looks 
up.) The thing's common gossip. 

Dev. There's altogether too much gossip in New York. 
That's why I've made up my mind to return to Europe. 

Mal. {writing). Ah — "returning to Europe." {Looks 
up.) On what steamer, please? 

Dev. {clappiftg hand over mouth). Oh, I didn't mean to 
speak to you, sir. {Anxiously.) Have you been writing that 
down? {Brandishes cane.) You reporters are a common 
nuisance. Leave me alone, sir ! I've nothing to say for publi- 
cation ! Nothing ! It's all my wife's fault I'm pestered this 
way. I'd give thirty thousand dollars to break her theatrical 
contract. 

Mal. {writing in book). Thirty thousand dollars, you say? 
{Looks up.) Maybe I can fix it for you. 

Dev. {furious). Leave me — leave me ! 

Mal. {handing him business card). Have a card. I'm 
also in the real estate and brokerage business and can sell any- 
thing from a 

Dev. {7vildly, as he exits R.). .Leave me — leave me, I say. 

{Off R., loudly slamming door.) 

Mal. {repeating^ as he writes in note-book). "I'd give 
thirty thousand to break her contract." {Scratches head and 
looks at book.) There's something back of this. I'll just chip 



OUR WIVES 



4i 



along and see what it is. I may be on the trail of a half page 
scoop. (^Gets behind screefi.) 

Enter Julia, door c, a long loaf of bread behind her back, 
Jul. (looking around, then down to c). Now for ze signal. 

{Whistles.^ 

Blair \ (P^^^^^S Ji^<^^s out of trunk). Get anything ? 

Jul. (Jianding Blair a loaf of bread). Zis was all I could 
get. 

Chan, (sadly). But where do I come in ? 

Blair (breaking loaf of bread across k?iee and handing 
Chan, sfnaller piece). Here's your half. 

(Chan. a?id Blair both begin to hurriedly eat bread. Mal. 
bobs head over screen and, watching proceedings, hur- 
riedly makes notes in book.) 

Jul. (c). Ze cook watch me all ze time. 

Blair (waving her off with loaf of bread). It's all right, 
girlie. You did nobly. 

Chan, (ivith mouth filled ; hardly audible). It's delicious ! 

Blair (tvith hand to ear). I didn't get that. Come again. 

Chan, (speaking with difficulty, as before), I say — it's de- 
licious. 

Blair. Got me. You'd better hire a phonograph. 

Jul. (looking around). Now I will bring you each a glass 
of water. 

Blair. And the menu will be complete. Yes, do, that's a 
dear. \^Exit Jul., l. 

Chan, (calling after her). But, say — how about the 
dessert ? 

Blair (eating). Don't be so particular. I don't know 
when I've eaten anything quite so tasty. 

Chan. I was nearly starved out. 

Mal. (cautiously from behind screen and down c, suddenly 
appearing before them). Ah, gentlemen ! 

Blair ) (dropping bread, confusedly attempting to hnver 

Chan. | tru7ik tops). The jig's up ! 

Mal. (catching hold of each top). Hold on. Don't be in a 
hurry. 

Blair (indignant). Who are you, sir? 



42 OUR WIVES 

Chan, {imitating hwi). Yes, who are you? 

Mal. {quietly). I'm a reporter. 

Blair ) {confusedly attempting to lower trunk tops). 

Chan, | Good-night. 

Mal. {catching trunk tops as before). But don't let that 
worry you. I know everything. 

Chan, {sadly). And I suppose by to-morrow your con- 
founded paper will have done the rest. 

Mal. {looking at Blair). You're Blair, and you're — {re- 
ferring to Chan.) old Chandler. 

Chan, {indignant). Yes — only forget the " old " part of it. 

Mal. {looking from one to a?iother ; in surprise). You're 
a nice-looking crowd. 

Chan, {whining). Yes, but please don't rub it in. 

Mal. But I thought you both dead ! 

Blair. And you tried to make every one else believe it. 
Well, it's not our fault we're not. 

Chan, {sadly). No. How would you like to spend four- 
and-twenty hours in this thing? {Refers to trutik.) 

Mal. I don't think I'd like it. 

Chan. Well, I know you wouldn't. 

Mal. {taking 7iote-book from pocket). Aren't you two the 
owners of the new opera, " The Fleur-de-lis " ? 

Blair {sadly). I don't suppose it will do any good to deny 
it 

Chan. Unfortunately — we are. 

Mal. {writing busily iji book). Just so. 

Blair {watching him for an instant ; theft after a sigh). I 
wish I'd never been born. 

Chan. I wish I had my money back. 

Mal. {writing in book). It's too bad I didn't meet you 
gentlemen a half hour sooner. 

Blair. Could have used this story in your earlier edition, I 
suppose. 

Chan, {eagerly). Say, old chap, I'll give you a hundred 
to keep this out of your sheet. What will my friends say when 
they read — {whining) "Found in a trunk"? Oh, I'm dis- 
graced ! 

Mal. Pshaw, you don't understand me. 

Blair {quickly). Ah, I see — he offered too little. Well, 
I'll raise that to three hundred. Now what do you say? 

Mal. I could get more than tliat as commission 

Chan, {puzzled). Commission? 



OUR WIVES 



43 



Mal. Yes, commission. {Looks at Blair.) I heard you 
wish you'd never been born — {Jhen to Chan.) and you — to 
have your money back. 

Chan, {puzzled'). What are you, anyway ? 

Mal. a poor reporter, but with an eye to business. Now 
what's in it for me if 1 manage to 

Blair. You don't mean — dispose of " The Fleur-de-Hs " ? 

Chan. Oh, you can't be serious. 

Mal. Give me the opportunity and see. 

Blair {e?nphatically ; rishig in trunk). In a minute. 

Chan, {also rising). And ten per cent, besides. 

Mal. {offering hands) . Accepted ! 

-p ) {n'armly shaking his hands ; then stepping out of 

P > trunks and lowering tops). But how in the world 
3 will you 

Mal. {Jinger to lips). S-h ! Leave everything to me. 

Enter Dev., door r. 
Dev. {angrily, on beholding Mal.). What — you again ? 
Bla^ir' } (^^^A^^^^W- Oh, lor'. 
' {Hurriedly endeavor to hide behind Mal.) 

Mal. And brought two friends with me. 

Dev. {furious). I knew your impudence would know no 
bounds. Bring a hundred — bring five hundred reporters — and 
still my lips will be sealed for the papers. {Opens door r.) 

Mal, Just a minute. This is something altogether differ- 
ent. You mentioned that you were willing to give thirty thou- 
sand dollars to break your wife's contract. 

Dev. Yes, but that was only in 

Mal. I can buy the entire production for that amount. 

Dev. {surprised). You don't mean it? 

Mal. I certainly do. [To Chan, and Blair.) Gentle- 
men, know Major Deveaux. {Steps aside, presenting Chan. 
and Blair to view ; they make a sorry showing. To Dev.) 
Major, know Messrs. Chandler and Blair, — {referring to each) 
the owners of the production. 

Dev. {stagoered). Well, well, well. {Looks from one to 
the other. Then with bitterness.) So ^o\x—you are tlie per- 
sons who 

Chan, {alarmed ; getting behind Mal.). He's off ! 



44 



OUR WIVES 



Mal. {stepping between them; to Dev.). Once the owner 
of the production, you could then do with it as you wish. 

Dev. {changing manner ; stroking mustache). Even to clos- 
ing it down tight as a drum, if I willed it, eh ? 

Mal. Even that. My clients here — {referring to Chan. 
a7id Blair) have a valuable piece of dramatic property, but 
would consider a sale if you saw your way clear to raising your 
offer say — ten thousand 

Dev. (whistling). Forty thousand dollars ! 

Mal. {coolly to Chan, and Blair). You'd consider letting 
go at that figure, gentlemen ? {Nudges Blair.) 

Blair {starting). Oh, yes — yes. 

Chan, {aside). I'd let go for a sandwich. 

Dev. {stroking fnustache). It's a lot of money. But step 
into the library, gentlemen. It's just possible we may be able 
to do business together. This way. {Off Yt.. i.) 

Blair {slappi?ig Mal. heavily o?i shoulder). You're a 
wonder. 

Mal. {with wink of eye). Pretty good — what? 

{Offers arms.) 

Chan. You've certainly saved our lives. 

(Chan, aiid Blair lock arms in Mal.'s and exit, r., heart- 
ily laughing.) 

Enter ^vh.ffrom L., with two tumblers of water. 

Jul. {looking around). Hello, where have they got to, I 
wonder? {Down to trufik, r., lifts top.) Gone! {Hur- 
riedly lifts top of other trunk.) Gone ! {Puzzled.) What 
if ze 

Enter Mrs. C. and Beattie, both dressed in deep mourning, 
door c. Jul. staggered. 

Mrs. C. {brokenly). We've come to see Mr. Mallory, the 
reporter. 

Jul. {stammer ifig). But, madame, I do not think he is 

Beattie {brokenly). They told us at the newspaper office 
that we would most likely find him here. 

Mrs. C. We wish to learn whether he has heard anything 
additional 

Beattie {brokenly). Whether he can give us one ray of 
hope {Then u?iable longer to restrain her emotions f 



OUR WIVES 



45 



places handkerchief to eyes a?id loudly sobs.) Oh, Walter ! 
Walter ! how could you ? how could you ? 

Mrs. C. (ready to cry herself ; coinforting her). Don't, 
Beattie, child. {Then through her own sobs.) Think of your 
poor, departed father — my own dear Roswell ! 

(^Loudly sobs. Beattie and Mrs. C. are now both crying.) 

Jul. (watching them ititently). Please don't cry, ladies — 
please don't cry. 

(^Finally slowly places handkerchief to eyes and Joins them 
in sobbing.) 

E?iter Mal., hurriedly from r., unconcernedly down c. ; then 
suddenly espying ladies, gives a start and with long strides 
noiselessly ejideavors to retrace his steps. 

Mr^ r ") ^fi^^^^^y <^^^^^ crying, and looking up, in time to 
• -Dp. * " \^^py Mal., before he has chance to exit). Ah — 
3 here you are ! 

(Catch him by coat-tails and drag him c.) 

Mal. (struggling). Yes, ladies, but a very important en- 
gagement. I'll return in a minute. Excuse me, please 



(Finally ceases struggles ; aside.) Oh, it's no use, I give up. 

(Jul. fneanwhile has exited door c.) 

Mrs. C. (brokenly to Mal.). Tell me, is there any news? 
Beattie (anxiously). About wj; husband? 
Mrs. C. My husband ? 

^ P * [ Both our husbands? 

Mal. (nervously). Ladies, I hardly know what to say. 

M q r I (P^^^^^^^fy)' Go on — go on — say it — say it ! 

Mal. You know when I saw you this afternoon, I — you — 

that is 

Beattie. ) t-^ ». i 

^ P ^ Don t keep us m suspense. 

Mal. (aside). How can I explain matters ? 
Mrs. C. You don't mean that they're still alive? 
Mal. (quickly shaking head in negative). Oh, no — oh, no 
— I don't mean anything like that. 



46 OUR WIVES 

Mrs. C. {brokenly). I knew it — I knew it. They're dead 
— drowned ! Poor Roswell ! 

Beattie {sobbhigly). Poor Walter ! 

(Mrs. C. and Beattie bury heads on Mal.'s shoulder and 
sob loudly.) 

Mal. (Jiis arms about their waists ; comforting theni). 
There, there, don't take on so. {Aside.) How can I break it 
to them ? 

Enter Chan, and Blair, hurriedly ^ door r. 

T« ^'^' \ {suddenly beholding Mal.; start). What's this? 

{Then each down, seizing wife by arm. Blair forcing 
Beattie right of him ; Chan, forcing Mrs. C. left of Jwn.) 

Chan, {to Mrs. C, in assumed anger). So this is the way 
you cherish the memory of your departed husbands? 

,, r^' \ Then you didn't commit suicide after all? 

P ' ^* [■ No, we changed our minds and disappointed you. 

Beattie {on her knees ; to Blair). Forgive me, dear. 

Blair {folding arms ; waving her off). To think I should 
find you in another's arms ! Ye gods ! 

Mrs. C. {on knees ; to Chan.). Roswell, I was only 

Chan. {imitatingV>\.k\\\\ stamping foot). Silence 1 I saw 
all with my own eyes. {Folds arms and assumes angry look.) 
Also, ye gods ! 

Enter Oscar, breathlessly ^ door c, a large flower wreath on 
his head, 

Oscar. Oh, Pm so glad I find you. 
{Grasps hatids of Ckat^j. and Blair and shakes them,^ 

■Rt atr' r ^''^^^ Scott ! what has happened ? 

Mal. {anxiously). Is it over? 

Oscar {jubilantly). Yes, by now. {Excitedly.) I jumped 
in a taxi shust before der curtain came down. Oh, it was a 
great night. Such a success has nevah been. Only one un- 
pleasantness. A loafer hissed in der first act — und der ushers 



OUR WIVES 



47 



chucked him out. Den everything was peaceful. Ten times 
dey raised der curtain on der second act. I made a speech und 
received a beautiful wreath of flowers so big. 

(Jfidicates by hands that wreath must have been six or seven 
feet in height.) 

Mal. {removing wreath from his head and handing it to 
him'). Is this it? 

Oscar. By Jove — ches. 

Mal. Then it must have shrunk some since you last 
saw it. 

Oscar. In der excitement I thought it wuz my hat. {Bows 
to ladies.) Oscuse me, ladies. {To Chan. andBLkm.) It 
will run for a year in New York — dot's certain. Your fortune 
is made. 

Mal. {looking from Chan, to Blair). Have you made a 
mistake after all ? 

Chan. I'm glad to be out — at any price. 

Oscar {puzzled). Mistake? Price? 

Blair. We sold out only a minute ago. 

Oscar {staggered). You — you sold ''The Fleur-de-lis" ? 

Mrs C ) 

Beattif \ ^^^^^^^^S ^^ husbands). You sold it ? 

(Blair and Chan, nod heads in affirmative.) 
Blair. But only as the agents of our friend, here — 

{Refers to Mal.) 

Chan. Who owned it all along, eh, old chap? 

{Digs Mal. in side.) 

Mal. Yes — all along. 

Oscar {rujinifig hands through hair). Oh, yoi, yoi, yoi — 
what a foolishness. 

Enter Dev., door r. 

Dev. {anxiously). What's this I hear about the opera? 

Mal. You've made a great bargain. Ought to treble your 
money in two months. 

Oscar {looking at Mal.). Is he den der {Over to 

Dev., warmly shakes his hand.) Ah — you lucky, lucky man ! 



48 OUR WIVES 

Enter Stan., door c. His clothing is badly torn^ his hair di- 
sheveled, and one eye is blackened, 

Dev. {surprised). Stanton! 

Stan, {crestfallen). Yes, boss. I tried to follow your in- 
structions about queering the show, but the ushers got to me 

OscAr {tritunphant). Before any damage was done. {Ea- 
gerly to Stan.) Ah, so you are der one who made such a 
rumpus in der first act ? I ought to 

{Raises hand as if to strike Stan.) 

Dev. {catching Oscar by arm). Let Kim be. He did it 
by my instruction. 

Oscar {surprised). Your instruction? You wanted to 
ruin your own show ? Ach himmel, I'm in a lunaticalum ! 

(Goes up.) 

Enter Jul., door c. 

Jul. {announcing Gil.). Madame, m'sieur. 

Enter Gil., door c. 

All. Congratulations on your success. 
Gil. Thank you. {To Chan, ^/z^ Blair.) And now in 
deference to my husband's wishes, I formally hand you this 

{Hands Blair a letter.) 

Blair. Why, what is it? 

Gil. My two weeks' notice. 

Blair. Which should now go to your husband. 

{Hands to Dev.) 

Gil. {astonished). My husband ? 

Chan. Yes, he having bought the same only a half hour 
ago. 

Dev. {to Gil.). And since the thing's proven such an em- 
phatic success, hang me, if I don't think I'll keep it going. 

All. Really ? 

Dev. {tearing notice in particles and close to Gil.). Only 
hereafter my wife will be viatiaged 

Gil. {lookifig up at him). By her husband / 



OUR WIVES 



49 



Beattie ) {taking hold of th^ir husbands by collar of coat). 
Mrs. C. j Kwdyoti 

Chan \ipfl^^ <^ P<^^^^^ i ^^^^^^^b^- By — our wives. 

Picture 



QUICK CURTAIN 



New Plays 



THE COUNTRY MINISTER 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS 

By Arthur Leiv'is Tuhbs 

ATJTHOB OF "VALLEY FARM," " WILLOWDALE," "THE PENALTY OF 

PRIDE," ETC. 

Eight males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery not difficult. 
Plays a full evening. A very sympathetic piece, of powerful dramatic in- 
terest; strong and varied comedy relieves the serious plot, as in this author's 
"Valley Farm," to admirers of which this play is recommended. Ralph 
Underwood, the minister, is a great part, and Roxy a strong soubrette; all 
parts are good and full of opportunity. Scenes are laid about equally in city 
and country. This will be the " hit '"' of the coming year, and Clubs Avill do 
well to secure early copies. Clean, bright and strongly recommended. 

Price f 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Eev. Ralph Underwood, the coun- William Henry. 

try minister. Tom Sparrow. 

Gregory Heath, of the world at Mr. Filkins, an officer. 

large. Helen Burleigh, /rom the city. 

JUD Pardoe, a wreck on the ocean of Jerusha Jane Judkins, the post' 

life, misiress, 

Timothy Hodd, who would rather B,0XY, ^^ a fresh air kid." 

whittle than ivork. GRANNY GRIMES. 

Deacon Potter, ^^just a trifle deef." Fanny, a maid. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Yard of INIiss Judkins's store and postoffice, Mullen ville, N. Y., 
on a morning in August. 

Act II. — Same as Act I, half an hour later. 

Act III. — Granny Grimes's garret, on the East Side, New York City, 
the following November. 

Act IV. — Miss Burleigh's home in New York, the same evening. 

Act V. — Back at MuUenville, in Miss Judkins's sitting-room. One 
month has elapsed. 



TWELFTH NIGHT 

By William Shakespeare 

A comedy in Five Acts. Ten males, three females. Costumes, pictur- 
esque; scenerv, varied. Plays a full evening. A new acting version of this 
4omedy, based on the prompt-book of Miss Julia Marlowa 



Price, 15 cents 



New Plays 



SUMMER BOARDERS 

OR, THE GREAT JEWEL MYSTERY 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS 

By Josephine Van Tassel Bruorton 

Eight males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior and 
one exterior. Plays a full evening. Combines dramatic interest with abund- 
ant comedy, and is particularly strong in character parts. Contains an un- 
usual number and variety of strong parts. 

Price f 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Joshua Wicks, o?<Jner 0/ " cZose 071/0 Adonibam Smith, the hired man, 

1,000 acres." with a fickle heart. 

Mr. Peter Schultz, sometime ven- Arvilla Wicks, heiress of the 1,000 

(ler of sausages. acres. 

Mr. Barry Bland, an Englishman Mrs. Peter Schultz, owner of 

possessed of a shady rejnitaiion and manij jewels. 

a talkative dcmghter. Mr.s. Barry Bland, owner of a 

Count de Musset, ajter the 1,000 husband and a daughter. 

acres and Arvilla Wicks. Barretta Bland, ten and talkative. 

Archie Barton, a young lawyer, Mi.s.s Karrenhappuch Wicks, sis- 

after the widow. ter to Joshua. 

George Mangan, tvith an admira- Widow Wilkins, after a rich huS' 

tionfor wealth. band. 

Tom Shabpe, a retired detective, Pansy Pratt, who worships Adoni- 

faithful to Karrenhappuch Wicks. ram, 

SYNOPSIS 

ACT I. —Dinner out of doors. ACT III. —Dreaming True. 

Interlude. — The Robbery. ACT IV. — The Jewels Restored. 

ACT II. — Tracing Lost Jewels, 



THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 

A COMEDY BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE 

Arranged in an Induction and Three Acts for the Use of 
Schools and Colleges 

Fifteen male, three female characters. Scenery, greatly simplified, or may 
be omitted altogether, if desired, by the use of curtains only. Costumes, of 
the period. Plays two hours. An arrangement of this play for the use of 
schools, restoring the form of the original, but retaining the necessary sim' 
pliflcations of the modern stage version. 



Price, 15 cents 



a. W, Itnero'fi Paps 



THP MAfilSTRATF ^^^^^ '^ Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
lUI^ ITIAUIJIIVAIL fej„j,,eg Costumes, modern; scenery, all 

i uteri or. Plays two hours and a half. > 

TBE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITP ^--ZjZ.^. 

Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors PI ys a lull evening. 

THF PROFI IfiATF ^la-y^^FourAc^r* oeven males, five females. 
lUC inurMUAlL/ g^jgugry, three interiors, rather elaborate; 
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THE CmnAT MIQTDPCC Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, seven 
iOC 5tnUUUni31KE33 ^^^^^^^^^ costumes, modem; scenery, 

three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

TBE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY fJl ■"..rLfat. "ct' 

tumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

SWFFT [ A YFNflFR comedy in Three Acts, Seven males, four 
JTTLLl I^iilLdlvL. females. Scene, a single interior ; costjumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIIWFS Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
Scene, a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays a 
full evening. 

THF WFAKFR SFX comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
lUl; ni; Alien JCA f^j„,j^]eg costumes, modem ; scenery, two 

interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE IZt'Z >^,:Z.^Z^J^::. 

modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS P? 




C|)e l^illiam \ 



r ^. 018 482 380 9 I 



AS YOU I IK^F IT Comedy in Five Acts. Tliirteeu males, four 
AiJ lUt) l^llVlv 11 females. Costume.s, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full eveuiug. 

CAMIT I F I^i'^"^^ '" Five Acts. Is'iue males, five females. Cos- 
vAlTllL(L<L( tumes, modern ^ scenery, vai'ied. Plays a full eveuiug. 

INfiOMAff I*l^y i" Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
IllUUlu/iIV Scenery varied ; costuiues, Greek. Plays a full eveuiug. 

MARY STUART Tragedy in rive Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
liliil\i i^IU/illl males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ;• .scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE "Si^^i:^^^. gSS!.t 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

RICHFI IFII Play in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
I\lvIlLL(llvU ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 

Comedy in Five Acts. ]Sine males, live females. 
Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 



THF RIYAT S ^o"^®*^y J'^ Five Acts. ]Sine males, live females, 
full evening. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^SS&J^^^t%I^^- 

ried ; costumes ot the period. Plays a lull evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL ''^!%^J^, 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
lull evening. 



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